He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
