i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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