the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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