I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
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