Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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