Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
