When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
it's great music for shaving your balls
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
This baby is an asshole
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
