there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
