In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
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