He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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