i permit you to call me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We were destined to go to rehab together
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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