How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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