I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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