Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
