Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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