Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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