I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
