Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
