We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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