You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
