God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Randomize
