people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
