hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
