Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
