I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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