Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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