mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
