My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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