id be glad to
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
