Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
