I wish I could teleport
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
being pregnant is like rehab
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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