I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
