When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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