you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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