Umm I'm too high to move.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
