apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
