The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
