My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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