And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.