No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
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He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)