I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
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In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
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Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me