Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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