M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
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Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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