Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
