I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
