just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
