at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
