Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
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I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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