Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
