you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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