I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
