I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
