My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
