And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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