dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
