the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
