Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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