There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
