I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
