I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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