you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
