I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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